WARNING: Do NOT let me use your microwave...

Today I'm having a hissy fit with the pc.
SOME people I know will tell me I should have gone down the Mac track and today I will agree with them wholeheartedly!
Got a virus last night whilst Miss Feral 19 was surfing the sites.
Did a system restore this morning,ran every scan known to mankind and even some only used by the martians in Area 51.
Somehow along the way I managed to delete IE and Outlook express.
I know,I know....such a talent in PC wrecking going to waste in the 'Burbs !
But the clever little dicky bird that I masquarade as every other leap year discovered Mozilla still in the programs and
VOILA!
I'm still online !
While I'm on the technology roll,I thought I'd finally teach myself to program the VCR.
Now I've just got to figure out how to switch the unit on.....

"Doctor I feel funny." " Then stop playing the clown."

February 23

Today in 1685 Georg Friederich Handel was born at Halle in Saxony. Handel spent most of his life in England. In 1703, at Hamburg, he had a duel with a musician named Mattheson. Mattheson's sword broke when it struck a musical score that Handel had under his coat and thus the great composer’s life was saved.

In 1917,just for kicks,French actress Sarah Bernhardt had her right leg amputated and promptly struck out her dance card.

Fruitful endeavours in 1931 saw the creation today of the dessert, Peach Melba,named after Dame Nellie Melba, Australia's own opera star who had more farewell tours than John Farnham.

The first successful delivery of rocket mail took place today in 1936 when 2 rockets were launched from the New Jersey shore and landed 300 metres away on the New York shore.Not quite long distance air mail and it cost a bomb to send.

In 1940 on this day Walt Disney's "Pinocchio" started flashing his elongated woody around cinemas.

Would-be thief nabbed beside police dog training site...that's got to be a dog of a day.

NZ fishermen haul in 450kg squid.....anyone got some spuds for the chips?

Brawling surgeons leave patient in the lurch....scalpels at 30 paces at dawn !

Just thought you needed to know...

Sex with roadworkers banned on freeways ?


February 22

10,000 BCE Pebbles Flinstone was born,daughter of Wilma and Fred Flintstone.

1290 BCE The coronation of Ramses II,who was forever confused as his daddy was a mummy.

1630 Popcorn was given to European colonists for the first time by Native American Quadquina but no film feature was showing.

1966 Barry Bondhus dumped 10 pounds of his own poop on US Army draft files,fulfilling a lifelong dream for many people,I imagine.

1969 appearing at Manchester's Free Trade Hall, Tyrannosaurus Rex with support act David Bowie performing a one-man mime act.Ziggy Stardust had nothing to say in his defence.

1977 The Sex Pistols won 'Turkey Of The Year' in this years NME readers poll. And it wasn't even Thanksgiving!

1981 One hit wonder Joe Dolce was at No.1 on the UK singles chart with 'Shaddap You Face.' Something we've been serenading our politicians with ever since.

Counting Condoms.

Have a break,have a Kit Sack!

February 20


1811 Showing fantastic accountancy skills,Austria declared itself bankrupt today.


1913 King O'Malley drove in the first survey peg to mark commencement of work on the construction of Canberra,Australia's capital.All because Sydney-siders couldn't admit Melbourne was better suited to be the nations capital :P


1921 Women flocked and swooned,men gasped in awe and wonderment - Rudolph Valentino's movie The Four Horsemen of The Apocalypse premiered today but contrary to popular opinion,it was not inspired by the building of Canberra.


1985 Ireland allowed the sale of contraceptives for the first time.Condoms in packs of 3 -to be sure,to be sure,to be sure.





Searching for Australia's best behind....Nev,does Uluru make my bum look fat?


Amorous couple causes traffic chaos....the green light means disengage your gearstick,BOTH of them.


Hair-raising elephant planned scrapped.....commonsense made an all-to-brief appearence.

Do,Re,Mi,Fa,So,La,Te,D'Oh !

February 19

1956 Police in Cleveland, Ohio enforce a 1931 ordinance that barred people under the age of 18 from dancing in public unless accompanied by an adult.

Paul Simon wrote "The Sounds of Silence" in 1964,something we've all wished upon Yoko Ono's singing career.

Paul McCartney's 1972 song "Give Ireland Back To The Irish" was such a hit with the BBC they immediately banned it.

In 1974 Cher gives Sonny a birthday present by filing for divorce after ten years of marriage.

Queen had Billboard's top tune with "Crazy Little Thing Called Love", a song that Freddie Mercury later admitted, came to him while he was taking a bath in 1980.What was in that bathwater ?!

1988 Alice Cooper announces he is going to run for Governor of Arizona. To no one's surprise, he lost.

In 1992 Kurt Cobain marriedCourtney Love,a marriage not made in Nirvana.

1995 Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee married Baywatch's Pamela Anderson on a Cancun beach, the bride wore a white bikini.Tommy Lee wore a smile.

2004 Johnny Cash's family blocked an attempt by advertisers to use his hit song ‘Ring of Fire’ to promote haemorrhoid-relief products.Leaving everyone else to sing it after digesting spicy pizza and chili.

Taciturn Bovines,Wine Dunking Parties.

Those magnificent cows in their flying machines...

February 18


In Ancient Rome today was the Festival of Tacita The Silent One, goddess of the dead who binds hostile speech and bad tongues, from whom the word "taciturn" is derived.Just slip that tid bit into conversation today when you're told off again for forgetting Valentine's Day !


1478 George,Duke of Clarence,convicted of treason against his older brother Edward IV King of England,was today drowned in a butt of Malmsey wine in the Tower of London.Rumour inaccurately states many of his followers tried to rescue him but he bravely fought them off,his last words being"I haven't finished the barrel yet!"


1930 Elm Farm Ollie became the first cow to fly in an aeroplane and the first cow to be milked in an aeroplane.This was also the first instance of bovine manure aerial spraying.





Talking urinals to curb drink driving....pretty much all piss and wind.


Blackberry Thumb relief is at hand....put down the phone and back away from it now.


Chocolate car for Valentine's Day....there always has to be some smarty pants to go just that bit further and leave your Hallmark card looking sad and cheap.

Moooooooooooooo

February 16

600 BC Pope Gregory the Great(patron saint of the Plague) ordained that when someone sneezes,people should say "Bless You".(Bless his little cotton socks)

1923 Coco Chanel's new haute couture collection, shown in Paris, revolutionised women's fashion, doing away with corsets, ruffles, high heels and long skirts, and introducing the style we associate with the Roaring Twenties.(sad to say corsets,ruffles,high heels and long skirts have been making come backs ever since...and the men carry those styles off so well)

1923 Howard Carter unsealed the burial chamber of Tutankhamun and released our curiosity of all things Sphinx-like.

Man attacks shark..."it's amazing what vodka does"

Dog on tuckerbox to STAY,dammit!...we won't mention what the original words were in polite company.

Duchess udderly amazing.....got milk?

Party over at Junos' house !

Now I want this dry cleaning back before the wild orgy tomorrow...

February 15


Feast of the Goddess Juno Februata.Her feast day fell on February 15, and on this day, eligible young women wrote their names on slips of paper and put them in a large bowl. Each single man drew one billet. The woman whose name was on the billet he drew was his partner for the day's erotic festivities.


Prince Philip Movement - Prince Philip,Duke of Edinborough has been worshipped in Vanuatu by cargo-cult followers among the custom people at Yaohnanen, in the Prince Philip Movement. Philip is regarded as the head of the cargo suppliers. The Prince Philip cult dates back to the prince's visit to what was then New Hebrides in 1974. Associating him with a male spirit married to a female spirit in their own pantheon of ancestral spirits, followers believe the prince originally came from Tanna in another form and will eventually return to rule over them.(Over Lizzies dead body !)


60BCE On the Feast of the Lupercal, Marc Antony ran naked through the Forum(woohoo nudie run at 12 o'clock )


1903 If you went down to the woods today you would have been in for a big surprise when Morris Michtom and his missus Rose introduced the first teddy bear to America.


1952 Princess Elizabeth acceded to the British throne on the death of her father King George VI(one small reason why Phil the Greek won't be ruling Vanuatu any time soon)


1965 The red and white maple leaf design was adopted as the flag of Canada,today is Flag Day in Canada.


1969 R.E.S.P.E.C.T ! A Florida, USA, woman was arrested for impersonating Aretha Franklin during a concert. Vickie Jones's impersonation was so convincing that nobody in the club asked for a refund.

Tips in case you forgot St.Valentine's Day

He loves me...he loves me not...he loves me...OW you're pulling my fur...he loves me not...

February 14


Happy Valentine's Day


For those who forgot the obligitory dozen roses,try celebrating the Ancient Roman way...
First, go with your friends to a local cave and sacrifice some goats and a dog. Find two young men of good breeding and smear their foreheads with your bloody knife, then wipe the blood off with wool soaked in milk. The youths must laugh during this.
Next, your whole party should run licentiously around town wearing the skins of said goats, and infertile townsfolk will come out on the streets to be belted by you with straps of goat-skin. This will help them have children.
At some appropriate juncture of your evening, arrange to have the names of all the females written on billets, put in a container and drawn out one at a time by the males. This will enable the sexes to pair off as lovers.


Or you could claim you're observing the day,in 1779, when the Polynesians humoured Captain Cook's naming of their land The Sandwich Islands(Hawaii) by recycling him into sandwich filling.


Or how,in 1876, Alexander Graham Bell applied for the patent of the telephone to keep you love birds in touch.Pity Elisha Gray applied for the same thing 2 hours too late.


You could save yourself by giving a copy of "Picnic at Hanging Rock",the novel by Aussie author Joan Lindsay, in which 3 girls go missing in mysterious circumstances on Feb 14 1900.


Offering to cook a casserole,shown in Melbourne for the first time in 1924,might save your bacon.


Impressing the significant other with your bank account will only work if you remind him/her decimal currency was introduced in Australia today in 1966.


Recalling Elton John married his sound engineer, Renate Blauel, at St Mark’s Church, Darling Point, New South Wales in 1984 won't win you brownie points,though.

Sorry I've been lax,still getting into a routine with homeschooling and I've been flat out like a lizard drinking!

Sew,sew,sew your shrine...

For those moments when you need to sew up that spare kidney whilst belting out your footy song on the church organ.

February 12

Needle Memorial, Japan
"In Japan, in a ritual that goes back 1500 years, women dress in kimonos and take the sewing needles that have broken in the previous year to the local Buddhist shrine where a three-tiered altar has been set up. The lower tier displays sewing accessories: scissors, thimbles, thread, etc. The top tier holds offerings of seasonal fruit and white mochi. On the center tier is a vast slab of tofu into which the broken needles are plunged. Priests sing sutras to comfort the needles, heal their broken spirits and thank them for work well done. No sewing takes place on this day."

Happy Birthday

1828 Jules Verne French science fiction writer.He foresaw the submarine, the aqualung, television, space travel, etc. Discovery of a long-lost novel revealed that, from the start, the father of science fiction was gravely concerned with the dangers of technology.

1931 James Dean actor

1957 Cindy Wilson singer B52's

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1587 Mary Queen of Scots became a wee dithering thing at Fotheringay Castle when she lost her head for a moment.

1836 The first railway opened in London and it's been full steam ahead ever since.

1879 Sydney Cricket Riot -one of the earliest riots at an international cricket match.One of the umpires Edmund Barton helped to defuse the situation, a feat which benefitted his publicity campaign when he stood for the New South Wales Legislative Assembly later that year. He later became Australia's first Prime Minister. A young Banjo Patterson who later went on to write the patriotic Australian song Waltzing Matilda,was in the crowd.

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Keith Urban sues Keith Urban......think I'll take his place in rehab for a good lie down.

Royal thrones.....hope it's 24 carart double ply .

Why did the man cross the river?

Skunks with sardines in Utopia.

In a perfect world this man would be free to marry his favourite polo pony...oh wait,he did.

February 7th...woohoo only 327 days left in 2007 -start planning that NYE party!


Happy Birthday


1478 Sir Thomas More,English Lord Chancellor who left generations craving a better world by penning "Utopia".He too was craving something - his head he misplaced after King Henry VIII invited him to the Tower of London.


1812 He of the Tale of Two Cities,he who would dare ask for more for Oliver Twist,the man himself who did visit the Ghost of Christmas Past upon Scrooge - Charles Dickens.


1867 Laura Ingells Wilder aka Half Pint,author of "Little House on the Prairie".


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1569 King Philip II of Spain went to rack and ruin and was lefting hanging by his thumbs when he formed the Inquisition in South America.


1571 Marcley Hill in Herefordshire, England, according to legend, moved 40 paces commencing at 6:00 pm and continued moving for three days.
“Legend states that this hill in Herefordshire, at six o'clock in the evening on 7 February 1571, ‘roused itself with a roar, and by seven next morning had moved 40 paces’. It kept on the move for three days, carrying all with it. It overthrew Kinnaston chapel and diverted two high roads at least 200 yards from their former route. Twenty-six acres of land are said to have been moved 400 yards.” So we can safely say the earth moved for them ?


1788 The colony of New South Wales was proclaimed - and the neighbourhood went downhill from there.


1989 Sardines fell on Ipswich,Queensland,Aust during a violent storm. The Fish man cometh ?


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Skunk goes home ....stinker of a flight.


Bridesmaids for hire....don't fret about that bitch fight with your matron of honour !


Bed-In protest....nighties at 40 paces?

Love,sex,beauty and brandy ?

February 6th

Aphrodisia,Festival of Aphrodite Greek goddess of love,sex and beauty.Got to worship the beauty of the human body !

Happy Birthday

1665 Queen Anne,who was more than just a style of furniture! She was daughter to King James II and also known as Brandy Nan.But as she bore 17 children,all of whom died young,she can be excused the tipple.

1911 Ronald Wilson Reagan actor,US President.Starred with a chimp in Bedtime for Bonzo(Bonzo was the chimp,not Reagan).

19?? Zsa Zsa Gabor Miss Hungary of 1936, and much-married American actress. It is not known for certain when Zsa Zsa Gabor was born. Some sources says 1917, some 1918, some 1919 and even 1920.
Prince Frederick von Anhalt (1986 - present)

Michael O Hara (1976 - 1982) (divorced)

Jack Ryan (21 January 1975 - 1976) (divorced)

Joshua S. Cosden, Jr. (1966 - 1967) (divorced)

Herbert Hutner (9 November 1962 - 1966) (divorced)

George Sanders (1949 - 1954) (divorced)

Conrad Hilton (1942 - 1947) (divorced) 1 daughter

Burhan Belge (1937 - 1941) (divorced)

Felipe De Alba (1982) (not legal – she wasn't divorced)

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1515 Aldus Manutius, inventor of italics, died. Nooooooooooo!!!

1890 In Melbourne, Victoria, a Federation Conference of colonial delegates began their formulation of the Australian Constitution. A banquet was held for those meeting in the Queen's Hall of the Victorian Parliament.

1906 Bondi, New South Wales, Australia became the home of the world’s first lifesaving club(hmmmm lifesavers hmmmm)

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Prison turns away escaped convict...I'm sure there's a Monty Python line in

there,somewhere.

Soft porn for bus passengers...they've never sold out a bus so fast before.

Postie caught with 10 tonnes of letters....maybe he wanted to buy a vowel ?

Bobbys and gold and polar bears...oh my.

Daisy,Daisy give me your answer do...

February 5th

Happy Birthday

1788 Robert Peel PM of the UK and founder of Londons Police Force('ello,'ello,'ello what 'ave we 'ere?)

1827 Peter Lalor leader of Australia's Eureka Stockade Rebellion.Political changes after the Rebellion saw him enter Victorian Parliament in 1855 as postmaster general and Minister for Trade and Customs.(rebels never die,they just enter politics)

1840 John Dunlop Scottish inventer who developed commercially practical pneumatic tyres(he just keeps going round and round and round)

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1851 Edward Hargraves found gold at Summer Hill Creek starting Australia's Gold Rush-he didn't actually find the gold but he oh so gracefully took public credit(and the Govt reward) for finding it.

1905 A polar bear froze to death in Chicago Zoo during a cold snap. (brrrr ? )

1947 The first successful rainmaking experiment in the world (‘seeding’ of clouds with chemicals), was performed in New South Wales, Australia. (they've been sitting on their laurels ever since)

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Snappy start for swimmers....sure beats the croc in the S-bend.

World chili eating record...."burning ring of fire"

Huff and puff in the buff.....no hiding those love handles.

HORRORS! Darwin ran out of beer.

February 4th

Limbo Festival,Trinidad and Tobago.The Limbo Dance was actually a funeral dance,with mourners performing the Limbo to show the departed soul travelling to the afterlife.(how low can you go?!)

Porridge Day,Latvia.The novice shepherd was asked to take any uneaten porridge from the dwellings, into the hills to feed the shepherds all summer. However, the porridge was actually replaced with water and after his burdensome trip up the long hills the new shepherd was initiated by being doused with the water.(bit wet behind the ears)

King Frost Day,London,Englnad.A fair in honour of King Frost was held on the frozen River Thames. The day became King Frost Day, a celebration that was carried on until World War I.(like all monarchs,that King was a tad nippy)

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Happy Birthday

1906 Clyde Tombaugh American astronomer who played I spy with my little eye and found Pluto peeking back at him in 1930.

1913 Rosa Parks civil rights activist is still refusing to stand.

1931 Isabel Peron 3rd wife of President Juan Peron (not the one Argentina is crying for though)

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362 Roman Emporer Julian The Apostate announced an edict that recognized equal rights to all the religions in the Roman Empire.(Lordy ! Equal rights! Bet $5 he didn't last long with the war mongering generals)

1927 The first talkie was released -The Jazz Singer,starring Al Jolson.("who wants to hear an actor speak?")

1942 Due to wartime shortages of commodities, the Australian city of Darwin's authorities announced that the city had run out of beer. (NOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!)

1975 Attila the Hen(Maggie Thatcher) became head of Britain's Conservative Party.(while she didn't actually have balls,she certainly ballsed things up properly)

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Chewbacca goes headbutting....the force isn't with you on this one,Chewie.

Nude Olympics near Adelaide....there'll be sunscreen in spots the sun has never seen.

Jag runs on rotten apples......think of how much more mileage he'd get without the fruit flies !

A load of old Sheep and Bull Cheese.

February 3

Feast day of St.Blaize.A physician and bishop of Sebaste,he was martyred by being beaten and attacked by iron carding-combs.He is the patron saint of wool-combers.(baa baa black sheep...)

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Happy Birthday

1821 Elizabeth Blackwell first female physician in USA

1874 Gertrude Stein author

1894 Norman Rockwell artist,illustrator

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1815 The first commercial cheese factory was founded.(I don't wear the cheese,the chese wears me)

1959 News of yesterday's plane crashed,that killed Buddy Holly,Ritchie Valens and The Big Bopper became widely known.The date became known as The Day The Music Died.

1967 Ronald Ryan became the last person hanged in Australia.The trial and execution caused such an outrage that no one has been killed by a lawyer or politician since(or none that we know of anyway).

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Remote golf courses see first ever grass...they're more excited at the greens than the birdies.

Groundhog Day brings predictions of early US Spring...Punxsutawney Phil went a'frolickin'.

Bull sperm hair treatment...there's something about Mary.....

Dunnys and Toothy things.

February 2

Forty Shilling Day, Wotton, near Dorking, Surrey,( date subject to alteration and weather!)
“Five clever and intrepid boys under the age of sixteen who are willing to brave the weather of a cold churchyard at Wotton in February, and who have retentive memories, can earn themselves 40 shillings each under the terms of William Glanville's will. To do so, they have to stand with both hands on his tombstone, recite the Lord's Prayer, the Apostles' Creed and the Ten Commandments. Next, they have to read aloud the fifteenth chapter of the First Epistle of St Paul to the Corinthians, and follow this by writing two verses of the Epistle in a clear and legible hand.The weather has not always been conducive to such an outdoor ceremony: on some occasions it has been postponed and on others a makeshift tent has been erected over the grave.

(come on baby light my fire?)

Groundhog Day in the United States and Canada, from the saying that the groundhog first appears from hibernation on that day. If he sees his shadow, he goes back for another six weeks – indicating six more weeks of bad weather.
European settlers brought the custom with them, mainly from Germany, but also from Czechoslovakia, England and other parts of Europe, where a badger had performed the same prognostications for centuries prior.

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Happy Birthday

1650 Nell Gwynne,she who graduated from a fruit barrow gal to the mistress of King Charles II(eating your fruit and veggies will get you more places than just the nearest toilet!)

1954 The former Mrs. Billy Joel,that Uptown Gal Christine Brinkley

1977 She of the hips that never fib,Shakira

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1653 New Amsterdam was incorporated("even old New York was once New Amsterdam,why they changed it I can't say,people just liked it better that way").

1829 Charles Sturt became the first European to stumble across The Gutter of Australia-the Darling River.(been flushing the trash down it ever since)

1852 the first public toilet for men opened in Fleet St London(and the tabloid press has kept up the sewerage content to this day)

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Fish man to face crocs,piranhas in Amazon swim ...even Steve Irwin had more sense.

Man breaks nails with teeth...didn't his mother tell him to stop chewing his nails?

Thief caught by false teeth...ahh those molars will give you away everytime.

Shouting, Bars and Nudie Taser Runs.

February 1

Owase Yaya Matsuri (Shouting Festival) Japan Feb1-8.

Today begin the Yaya or Shouting Festival days at Owase Shrine, Owase, Japan. This unusual calendar custom is a 'Shouting Festival', one of several 'quarrel festivals'.
Young men carrying mikoshi floats crash into each other on the streets, shouting “Yaya! Yaya!”, jostling each other before diving into the sea to purify themselves. People whose houses border the routes of such craziness erect protective fences. There is much dancing, and the next year’s participants are elected at the shrine on the Yaya festival’s final night. The festival also offers archery events and street dancing.

Black History Month begins USA.

Lesbian and Gay History Month begins UK.

Happy Birthday

1901 the ever gorgeous Clark Gable (Frankly my dear I don't give a damn)

1947 Normie Rowe Aust.pop star

1956 Elsa the lioness from Born Free

1968 Lisa Marie Presley singer,actress who had a mildly famous dad.

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1524 London, England: The city was prophesied to drown under the River Thames on this day. Several London fortune tellers and astrologers concurred in predicting that, on this day, the waters of the Thames would swell to such a height as to overflow the whole city of London, and wash away ten thousand houses. The prophecy met implicit belief and was reiterated with great confidence month after month, until so much alarm was excited that many families of all classes packed up their goods, and moved to Kent and Essex on foot or by wagon.(I blame global warming myself)

1858 William Dean made the first balloon ascent in Australia.(he had his head in the clouds)

1955 In New South Wales, Australia, the hotels were from this day allowed to close at 10pm instead of 6pm, ending the notorious 6 O'clock swill,at which time the publican would often call “Time, please gentlemen. If you can’t drink it, leave it; if you can’t leave it, drink it”. This phenomenon of Australian life, made possible by the support of groups such as the Women's Christian Temperence Union had drawn heavy criticism for the tendency of citizens to drink quickly and heavily and return home drunk at dinner time.(hic hic hooray)

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Golfer loses memory after hole in one...horrors of the greens!

Man loses wife at poker.....best hand of cards he'd had all year?

Naked student tasered by police in canteen.....fries or frizzled bits on the side?