Bigger than Ben Hur's Campaign.

Whoever said gardening was a relaxing hobby was obviously not on bended knee before the withered lemon tree.
I have begun my Campaign.
This Campaign consists of radical pruning,hacking,cleaving in twain and general massive amounts of exhausting exercise.
My lime has gall wasp,the pear and Granny Smith have coddling moth,my nashi has Rainbow Lorikeets who refuse to pay rent,the lemon tree has termites,the plum is plotting a takeover of the pumpkin patch and the passionfruit vine turned up its toes.
I have done my best for my ancient lemon tree.It is roughly 100 years old,one of the last originals from when this area was all market gardens.It is Time to chop down my lemon.It has more termites busily building cities in it than Melbourne's outer suburbs has housing developments.
The Granny Smith and pear have yielded a harvest of almost 26 kilos and counting.They are both in for a drastic haircut,the apple having already undergone the Britney Spears treatment,but with less fanfare and regrettably no tattoos.
The passionfruit vine decided to bid me adieu,curling up its many leaves and falling of its perch seemingly overnight.
The pumpkins are ravishing the veggie plots and I have a squash that is bigger than a dinner plate.I'm planning on feeding the entire neighbourhood from my single squash,with seconds for all.
Beatrice the chook laid an egg weighing 98 grams this morning that brought tears to my eyes and smelling salts for Beatrice.

WARNING: Do NOT let me use your microwave...

Today I'm having a hissy fit with the pc.
SOME people I know will tell me I should have gone down the Mac track and today I will agree with them wholeheartedly!
Got a virus last night whilst Miss Feral 19 was surfing the sites.
Did a system restore this morning,ran every scan known to mankind and even some only used by the martians in Area 51.
Somehow along the way I managed to delete IE and Outlook express.
I know,I know....such a talent in PC wrecking going to waste in the 'Burbs !
But the clever little dicky bird that I masquarade as every other leap year discovered Mozilla still in the programs and
VOILA!
I'm still online !
While I'm on the technology roll,I thought I'd finally teach myself to program the VCR.
Now I've just got to figure out how to switch the unit on.....

"Doctor I feel funny." " Then stop playing the clown."

February 23

Today in 1685 Georg Friederich Handel was born at Halle in Saxony. Handel spent most of his life in England. In 1703, at Hamburg, he had a duel with a musician named Mattheson. Mattheson's sword broke when it struck a musical score that Handel had under his coat and thus the great composer’s life was saved.

In 1917,just for kicks,French actress Sarah Bernhardt had her right leg amputated and promptly struck out her dance card.

Fruitful endeavours in 1931 saw the creation today of the dessert, Peach Melba,named after Dame Nellie Melba, Australia's own opera star who had more farewell tours than John Farnham.

The first successful delivery of rocket mail took place today in 1936 when 2 rockets were launched from the New Jersey shore and landed 300 metres away on the New York shore.Not quite long distance air mail and it cost a bomb to send.

In 1940 on this day Walt Disney's "Pinocchio" started flashing his elongated woody around cinemas.

Would-be thief nabbed beside police dog training site...that's got to be a dog of a day.

NZ fishermen haul in 450kg squid.....anyone got some spuds for the chips?

Brawling surgeons leave patient in the lurch....scalpels at 30 paces at dawn !

Just thought you needed to know...

Sex with roadworkers banned on freeways ?


February 22

10,000 BCE Pebbles Flinstone was born,daughter of Wilma and Fred Flintstone.

1290 BCE The coronation of Ramses II,who was forever confused as his daddy was a mummy.

1630 Popcorn was given to European colonists for the first time by Native American Quadquina but no film feature was showing.

1966 Barry Bondhus dumped 10 pounds of his own poop on US Army draft files,fulfilling a lifelong dream for many people,I imagine.

1969 appearing at Manchester's Free Trade Hall, Tyrannosaurus Rex with support act David Bowie performing a one-man mime act.Ziggy Stardust had nothing to say in his defence.

1977 The Sex Pistols won 'Turkey Of The Year' in this years NME readers poll. And it wasn't even Thanksgiving!

1981 One hit wonder Joe Dolce was at No.1 on the UK singles chart with 'Shaddap You Face.' Something we've been serenading our politicians with ever since.

Counting Condoms.

Have a break,have a Kit Sack!

February 20


1811 Showing fantastic accountancy skills,Austria declared itself bankrupt today.


1913 King O'Malley drove in the first survey peg to mark commencement of work on the construction of Canberra,Australia's capital.All because Sydney-siders couldn't admit Melbourne was better suited to be the nations capital :P


1921 Women flocked and swooned,men gasped in awe and wonderment - Rudolph Valentino's movie The Four Horsemen of The Apocalypse premiered today but contrary to popular opinion,it was not inspired by the building of Canberra.


1985 Ireland allowed the sale of contraceptives for the first time.Condoms in packs of 3 -to be sure,to be sure,to be sure.





Searching for Australia's best behind....Nev,does Uluru make my bum look fat?


Amorous couple causes traffic chaos....the green light means disengage your gearstick,BOTH of them.


Hair-raising elephant planned scrapped.....commonsense made an all-to-brief appearence.

Do,Re,Mi,Fa,So,La,Te,D'Oh !

February 19

1956 Police in Cleveland, Ohio enforce a 1931 ordinance that barred people under the age of 18 from dancing in public unless accompanied by an adult.

Paul Simon wrote "The Sounds of Silence" in 1964,something we've all wished upon Yoko Ono's singing career.

Paul McCartney's 1972 song "Give Ireland Back To The Irish" was such a hit with the BBC they immediately banned it.

In 1974 Cher gives Sonny a birthday present by filing for divorce after ten years of marriage.

Queen had Billboard's top tune with "Crazy Little Thing Called Love", a song that Freddie Mercury later admitted, came to him while he was taking a bath in 1980.What was in that bathwater ?!

1988 Alice Cooper announces he is going to run for Governor of Arizona. To no one's surprise, he lost.

In 1992 Kurt Cobain marriedCourtney Love,a marriage not made in Nirvana.

1995 Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee married Baywatch's Pamela Anderson on a Cancun beach, the bride wore a white bikini.Tommy Lee wore a smile.

2004 Johnny Cash's family blocked an attempt by advertisers to use his hit song ‘Ring of Fire’ to promote haemorrhoid-relief products.Leaving everyone else to sing it after digesting spicy pizza and chili.

Taciturn Bovines,Wine Dunking Parties.

Those magnificent cows in their flying machines...

February 18


In Ancient Rome today was the Festival of Tacita The Silent One, goddess of the dead who binds hostile speech and bad tongues, from whom the word "taciturn" is derived.Just slip that tid bit into conversation today when you're told off again for forgetting Valentine's Day !


1478 George,Duke of Clarence,convicted of treason against his older brother Edward IV King of England,was today drowned in a butt of Malmsey wine in the Tower of London.Rumour inaccurately states many of his followers tried to rescue him but he bravely fought them off,his last words being"I haven't finished the barrel yet!"


1930 Elm Farm Ollie became the first cow to fly in an aeroplane and the first cow to be milked in an aeroplane.This was also the first instance of bovine manure aerial spraying.





Talking urinals to curb drink driving....pretty much all piss and wind.


Blackberry Thumb relief is at hand....put down the phone and back away from it now.


Chocolate car for Valentine's Day....there always has to be some smarty pants to go just that bit further and leave your Hallmark card looking sad and cheap.